A few years ago I found myself at the very bottom of my life and I moved alone to the Himalayas. I was completely heartbroken and devastated in ways I had never allowed myself to experience. I had been waking up in a car crash every morning since months, facing my loss and my deepest fears in the rawest way ever and wondering how I could possibly make it through.
I had just spent 21 years with Osho, experiencing the full rainbow of his vision. A few years back in a similar situation I would have gone to the Ashram in Pune where I certainly would have found much support.But this time I just could not do it. I had to face the shit alone. And Osho kept whispering that I was now ready.
I dived in. I cried my heart out. I wanted to feel and experience it all. And I did. I could just bare the pain and I was ready to go all the way.I reached a point where I fell apart so completely until one day I got on my knees with nothing to hold on. I was not sure of what but I was certain I would die. The ground was being pulled from under all I knew.
As I laid there on the floor, arms open in complete surrender and on an edge I knew nothing about, a bird flew into my window. I looked up and as I fell again onto the ground I noticed an old Osho book nearby. I opened it somewhere in the middle and this is what I read: “I am not going to help you. I am going to make you utterly helpless so that in your helplessness a prayer arises, so that in your helplessness, surrender becomes possible, and then comes God’s help. Only God can help. And all other help is a barrier to God’s help.”( Osho,The first principle)
In that moment, the only hand I could still hold on to moved away. It gave me the last push. I crushed and literally passed out. When I opened my eyes again, Osho’s words were resonating in my heart, his hand that had not held me had merged with my whole Being, and love was all that remained. Something indeed had died in that moment and my life has not been the same ever since.