JOY

Joy is a feeling of oneness in my heart. Joy is trust, Joy is love, Joy is total acceptance of what is.

Joy is what’s left when the false sense of separation disappears, for a moment or forever. Joy is the unhindered movement of life, the beat of the universe going wild in complete freedom.

As I write about my inner journey through life and recall all those stories, as I notice with amazement how dangerous a journey it has been and how death has been so close on so many occasions, there is constant Joy outpouring.

This Joy has nothing to do with some kind of light or happy life; it is about presence, about connectedness, and about the complete embracing of everything. What is being embraced is in that respect irrelevant. Accepting and welcoming your darkness will bring Joy. Living a so called happy life without presence or gratitude won’t bring any.

When Love and Freedom meet there is a spark. That spark is called Joy. It is the stuff the Universe is made of. Joy is your innermost nature, and it is closer to yourself than any thought originating in your mind; it is what connects you with everything you think you are. Joy is your very heart.

Jungle of stories

th2wfhwk33

I never knew that I had so many stories to tell.

Yesterday after I had decided to write one a day for 3 months, hundreds of them literally jumped on me in the middle of the night. They came up with more and more details, more and more colours, as if they were all competing to get my attention.

I even had a flashback of a day sometimes in the late 80’s in Kerala, India, when I went off to the jungle near Kumily in the Periyar wildlife sanctuary, alone and against the advice of my Guest House owner. I was smoking lots of oil those days, and although I would not know exactly what it is anymore, I still remember the feelings and how strong it was. Certainly I was high and in touch with nature. Those days I was barefoot wearing a black sarong around my waist, I had long natural dreadlocks and I always carried water. I got lost and dusk started to descend. I wasn’t that far from the village and if I moved in the right direction I would see the first house in less than 20 minutes. In that moment when I was contemplating what could happen if I didn’t move in the right direction, just then, as I turned around I was face to face with an Elephant. I had never seen an Elephant in the wild before; it was my first time, and it was a direct encounter.

One moment, one in millions of moments in a rich and colourful life. An incident that I kind of remembered, but also kind of forgot and very rarely talk about. But here I was yesterday, lying in my bed, face to face with this situation that happened almost 30 years ago, seeing every detail, noticing every shade, and in contacts with all those incredible sounds from the jungle. I probably could write a few chapters about what happened then and about the unbelievable night that was to follow. I may.

Those who know me are aware that the best way to annoy me is to tell stories. My passion for the truth seems insatiable; my longing for depth and my love for what is real are always running the show.

With so many stories coming up I feel confronted to find in this what is really burning in my heart- because in truth very little else interests me. It is a stretching challenge, one that tickles my juice and creativity at new depths, and I love that.

It seems that all stories lead to one place and one place only. Here I am, feeling myself unburdened, light, and just perfectly okay with the unfolding of life.

an inextinguishable fire

I touched an abyss that scared me

I did shit my pants and felt my heart rip open

A darkness that felt so bottomless

I was sure I would die

There was no torch in that moment, no candle to be found

I simply was alone, alone, alone

I struggled and went through hell

I fought with all my strength

Until I fell flat and let go

Let go, let go, let go

In that moment of acceptance fear disappeared

Love appeared

Gently falling into a darkness that became an inextinguishable fire.

What a well-disguised gift

What a well-disguised gift
That cornered me within
No way to control or manage
A life I thought was mine

What a well-disguised gift
That swallowed me within
To a bottomless abyss
I would never suspect

What a well-disguised gift
Taking me to places within
Where the pains and the emptiness
Are so beyond imagination

What a well-disguised gift
That is taking my hand
And guiding me within
With such authority

What a well-disguised gift
That is calling me in
So gently, so irresistible
Destroying all I thought I was
And leaving me empty and unable
Full of the unknown

Oh Arunachala

 

Energy rising

Behind those eyes

Wide open

Intensity settles there

An invisible hollow pressure

An absent lightness

Am I going to crack open and explode

Into nothing?

Oh Arunachala

My sleepless nights and days

Staring into this

Oh Arunachala

I don’t know who you are

Nor what stuff you are made of

Oh Arunachala

I don’t want to know

Just take me

I am all yours.

11/11/2010, 6am back from Ramanaashrama